The comedian Simon Amstell, 40, still says his “type” is an 18-year-old guy. One resultant effect is that gay men are far more likely to fetishise body image and form deep sexual attractions to certain types of men – such as an insistence on dating particularly masculine, particularly feminine or particularly old or young men – and are likely to carry those image obsessions with them throughout their lives. Science tells us that trauma is often carried with us for life and can lead to complicated repercussions when it comes to sexual attraction. This might take place in the playground or the workplace, or with family or friends and has drastic knock-on effects for queer relationship-building. Statistically, many more people that define as queer have been through trauma than straight people. You can be whoever you want to be.While we celebrate media personalities like Phillip Schofield for coming out in their later years (it’s never too late!) the public can be guilty of expecting queer people to act like their straight counterparts when it comes to relationships when of course queer relationships are different. The truth is, there’s no set path when you’re gay. So part of me wonders why open relationships and polyamory aren’t for me-and if, fundamentally, that’s even the case.
As long as they act and look like us, we can tolerate it.’” That is playing out now, which is exciting. The best we can do is make them as straight as us. Part of me feels, “The straights just thought, They’re not going away. Now, and even potentially even at the time… I’m just not sure. It is so ingrained in how society thinks, in legal proceedings, everything.Īlso, I know how shaped I am by the time I grew up, how liberating it felt to be in a standard, heteronormative relationship between two men, it felt like amazing progress. Is the idea of two people together heteronormative? I don’t know. I do realise, though, I’m old-fashioned in wanting monogamy. I think most of my friends who are my age feel the same. I don’t want to get involved in other people’s dynamics, (one half of a couple isn’t going to admit the other doesn’t do the washing up…) and I want to be the priority in a person’s life. But when I’m on the apps, if the person isn’t single (and there are about 27 descriptions these days for not being single), I move on. That said, I don’t think open or polyamorous relationships are something I want, although I don’t judge others’ choices. A long distance relationship might even suit me. There’s a lot of boring stuff-housing insurance, for example-where I’m quite happy not to have that part of someone’s life. I think I might struggle living with someone again full-time, sharing everything. I try not to speculate what a future relationship will look like.
As a friend of mine said to me, “that gives you a lot of options!” I don’t have a type in terms of height and weight. This is going to sound big-headed-it’s not, it’s a relative thing-but I’ve never felt this confident or looked this good. I worked in marketing, so I know less is more! I’m only on one app: Scruff, which I love, because I love guys with beards!īut the biggest difference is me, and my level of confidence. So I don’t get people contacting me just for sex, which I’m happy about, as I’m not hook up-orientated. I don’t fit into any of those tribes, for want of a better word, and I put a lot of people off by not being one of those categorisable types. Yes, there’s a lot of cruelty online, but I avoid those people. There has never been as good a way to meet and talk to people. One big difference between my twenties and now is the internet, which is a double-edged sword. Then, at 45, started a process of change (including going back to university to study fine art and sculpture-the best thing I’ve ever done). We’re still good friends and speak all the time, but won’t be getting back together. I don’t regret the relationship, but by the end we were moving apart breaking up was the right thing to do. We got civil partnered, but we didn’t have kids (I’ve never wanted them I love my friends’ kids, but I like giving them back!). When I moved to London, I thought, This is my time… Then I met my ex almost immediately, through the lonely hearts column in Time Out! I was living in Swindon-not the gayest place on Earth-and was happy being single. I got into a 17-year relationship at 28 and I wasn’t a big dater beforehand. I’ve had mostly good encounters and made some really good friends. I’m pretty new to it. My experience isn’t everyone’s, but dating as a gay man in my late forties/early fifties in London has been a lot of fun.